Icy Waters

Have you ever felt like you were passing through a glacier or an icy cave in a large boat, just making your way slowly through and it is chilly as all hell? You're an absolute freak if you said yes.

But if I were to go on this adventure, this is what would be playing in the background. It is eerie but gorgeous.

"In The Air III" by Tim Hecker

http://open.spotify.com/track/2n9kQHXlkm0PZWJ0e5BDzj

The Tourist

Mother arrives tomorrow. A week with mother. I think this could be a good thing. I don't want her having to stay in this filthy hippie commune that I call home so we're staying at a hotel most of the nights. At least Mom can handle seeing these hippies. My Dad would go into a lecture the second we walked back onto the street. "I mean, those people are WEIRD, honey."

Anyhow, on the agenda (and yes, I created an excel spreadsheet), is Chinatown, Little Italy, the Statue of Liberty, a trip to Woodstock to see the hippies I actually enjoy, Morton's for dinner, Central Park, St. Patrick's Cathedral for mass, rooftop brunch, and exhaustion. I did insert exhaustion as an activity because you have to make time for that. You have to be realistic.

I have been on an eating mission from hell. No matter what, I can't seem to get things under control. I tried a juice cleanse last week that tasted like dirt and left me completely spacey. Some claim to feel "clear-headed" afterwards. I say, of course, you're drinking nothing but sugar water all day! Anyhow, this week with Mom will involve much food so I guess I should think about beginning my diet next week.

Off to bed. Mother arrives tomorrow!

LOL

Let's just laugh out loud for a bit, shall we?

http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/plotting_eat

Whirlwind

So, I trudge along in NY. I'm now living in an interesting little setup in Harlem. Interesting because I have an unemployed 36 year old roommate who goes out at all hours of the night and another roommate who doesn't seem to participate in the rental payment agreement. Other than that, things are good! No, really, they are.

I've made some new friends at school that I'm really lucky to have met. These are a great bunch of girls and I'm even heading to Austin, TX with two of them in about a month. Living in the city has been really amazing and that's with no money so imagine what I could do with an actual income!

My ex moved to Nashville, TN last month and it's been very strange without him. We really shared so many interests. Now, I'll just have to learn to do things on my own a little bit more, which really can't be a bad lesson to learn anyhow. I'm thinking a lot lately about how my life seems to always take twists and turns (hence the title of this blog). I think I actually don't like steady stability as much as I appear to long for it. Will I ever settle down and just do the same things and live in the same spot forever? The thought terrifies me.

Recap

Let's see. Let's catch us all up.

Became engaged in May. Hooray!

Broke off the engagement in September. Boo!

Now looking to move out on my own in NYC. Yikes!

I'm in a graduate program that I'm not convinced isn't just an excuse to do SOMETHING with my time. Uh-oh!

My birthday is in 2 days. Crap!

The Flintstones v. The Jetsons

After a long and passionate affair with all things delicious and unhealthy, I've decided to try to eat in a healthy manner and make it my lifestyle. It's this last part that's always toughest. The lifestyle thing requires more than just popping things into your mouth (within the diet guidelines) at random. It means I have to make efforts to try new recipes and integrate new things into my diet so that I don't get bored.

I'm a foodie, no doubt. Take me to a restaurant and I can eat anything on the menu and enjoy it. The flavors and textures combine to give me an experience that can only be described as other worldly. My bf doesn't quite understand this. If it were up to him, he'd take a capsule at every meal as long as it contained all his nutritional needs, a la The Jetsons. No lie, these are his words not mine.

I've tried a lower carb diet in the past and found out a few things from the experience. One is that the way that I physically feel after my meals cannot compare to how I feel after one of my "regular" carb-filled meals. I'm light and I have more energy all around. I do go through a carb craving phase but that passes and soon I don't really crave them anymore.

Now here's the second thing I learn, and the downfall to the whole "let's try to make it a lifestyle not a diet" thing. Although I don't miss the carbs themselves (i.e. I don't see a piece of cake and salivate at the mere glance), I do miss the textures. I miss the feel of rice under my chicken and the graininess of bread with a little butter. I've found the solution. I guess I had to learn to actually put some effort into this thing instead of trying to take the lazy route. There are only so many bags of veggies and deli meat rolls a person can handle.

I've taken to the web and to the cookbooks and, most importantly, I've taken to the kitchen. Yes, me, the hater of all things cooking-related. I found recipes for Mock Mashed Potatoes where the spuds are replaced by cauliflower and even a recipe for low carb rice with the same substitution. Not bad. I'm getting the psychological need for these starches met and I'm adhering to the healthy guidelines. Also, just made Flax meal bread which is all fiber and Omega-3 and there's my need for bread-y texture, met.

We'll see how this goes. In the meantime, here are some pictures of a few of my "food creations" so far. For someone who abhorred even making a simple chicken breast on the stove, I think I'm doing alright.

Bye Bye, Babydoll

I'm in a fashion rut. I'm actually afraid that it's becoming more of an identity crisis so let's see if I can figure it all out on here. If I had to describe my "look" throughout the years I'd say that it vacillated between cute and girly during the day (think headbands and pink babydoll cotton pique tops with jeans) and Classically alluring (think short black skirt with a blousy top or short high necked dress and heels) at night. I think that the Classically alluring look could still work out if I were actually still going out a lot which I'm not. That's a whole other post but let's leave evening outfits where they are for the moment. The real dilemma is in my day wear/identity.

New Yorkers are a fashionably diverse bunch and one might even suggest that "everything goes" in the city. While this may in fact be true, I don't really like sticking out like a sore thumb. With that in mind, most of my Miami colors (think guava, turquoise, pink, cream) would be quite the contrast against the concrete and glass cityscape. Not a pastel building or bright green palm tree to be seen here. Nope.

So I've tried to focus on neutral, dark colors with splashes of color here and there. The problem is that I need to update my closet and my age (tum tum tuuuuuum) is now coming into play. I find myself wandering through the aisles of Urban Outfitters and H&M searching for some fun, trendy pieces and I'm staring at myself in the dressing room mirror feeling like the younger style just doesn't suit my personality anymore. "Is this headband too early 20s for me?" "Do I look like I'm trying to look younger than my age?" There is nothing I hate more than older women trying to look younger via their fashion choices. "Am I holding on to this 'cute little girl' image too long?" "Who the hell am I?" Hmph.

This leads me into different stores where maybe I can find classic pieces that will suit my age better. The problem is twofold, a) price tags are reaching great, great heights, and b) this style might not be comfortable either. It's very clear that as you get older, clothes get pricier and pricier. I guess they're assuming that I'm making more money now. I am in my early 30s after all, right? Aaaaaah, little do they know that I will be struggling for quite some time.

Okay, deep breaths. Neck rolls to the left, neck rolls to the right. I'm suddenly staring at myself in the dressing room mirror again and this time I see a youngish mom who juggles her career and hosts trendy dinner parties in her West Village apartment and I'm not quite there yet, either! The inevitable question that follows is, "shouldn't I be there by now, though?".

Admittedly, I've never been good at all this fashion stuff but it sure was a lot easier when I was in my 20s. Forever 21 in a cinch and I'd look perfectly cute and acceptable. A disposable sexy top with a short denim skirt and a headband. Out the door I go.

There's the issue. "Cute" just isn't gonna cut it anymore and yet older, sexier, more confident looks don't seem quite right for me yet either. You'd think I'd be heading in the right direction but I just got my first Chuck Taylors and I've been eyeing my short dress and legging combination for spring, already. Aw shucks, maybe I'll throw a headband in for good measure.

No, I Did Not Make Any Resolutions.

Here it is, the new year. So full of hope and -- well, just hope. Last year was a struggle so I'm hoping (there's that word again) that this year will bring better things and more stability. Seeing as how the bf has no job and I'm hoping to go back to school in the fall, I don't see the stability in my future but let's just HOPE for the best. :)

On to resolutions. I haven't made any but I'm definitely being asked about them often enough. I hate resolutions. "Go to the gym at least 3 times a week, read a book a month (I already do that one but I'm just using examples here), lose 10 pounds, go to church more, etc..." These are all recipes for disaster, in my book. I am the kind of person that a) can get very down on herself if given the fodder, and b) believes in a life without too many straight paths.

Let's look at "a". There is no better fuel for a debbie downer moment than realizing that it's October and I haven't really kept up with any of my resolutions. I figure if you're a positive person you can find a way to rationalize to yourself why you haven't accomplished your goals or you might just take that measly attempt to hit the gym back in the first quarter of the year as a "good enough effort". I mean, at least you tried, right? I'm not like that. I try not to delude myself. I look at the failure as yet another thing that I can't seem to do to completion. I don't need that kind of letdown in my life. I will not set myself up for disappointment.

As for "b", I imagine people are thinking that maybe this is an excuse for not making goals in life and accomplishing things. Maybe you're right but I think there's a lot more to it. Life can be very adventurous and can bring you completely unexpected turns. I find a lot more joy in just surfing the wave of life instead of pre-planning the itinerary before I've gotten there. This isn't the way a lot of people live their lives but I find a lot more peace in just letting things happen as they will. Now don't take me for a complete bum. I do take steps towards the things I need to accomplish but I do these in my own time and not necessarily once a year with a 364 day deadline looming above me.

So it's about hope and surfing the wave of life, huh? Okay then. I'm going to HOPE that 2010 brings a lot of positive things my way and that it doesn't throw as many crazy obstacles my way.

(i.e. I'd better catch a great big wave this year.)

Comfy and Cozy

I'm sitting at home and I'm feeling comfy and cozy. Christmas definitely has a positive effect on me. Tomorrow I start packing for the journey home to Miami where a tropical holiday awaits. Hot and muggy, not so yummy.

I find myself getting very comfortable with my situation here in NY, right now. I'm teaching my classes in the mornings and evenings and I have some nice free time in between where I probably should be exercising but find myself napping instead. I used to never be able to nap but now I'm an expert. When my morning session finishes I find myself smiling into the cold sheets in bed and not feeling a lick of guilt. Very nice.

The problem with all of this is that things will have to change at some point. The choices are that I enter into a Masters of Education program in the Fall of 2010 and eventually start teaching in a classroom setting or, here's the bad one, that I have to be uprooted from the city and go through the no job panic again. At that point I'd have to apply to Masters programs wherever I end up. That's obviously the worse choice.

The reason it's even a choice is because the BF has been laid off and jobs are scarce in his field. It's looking more and more like California has the most opportunities. I don't know if I can handle the ditzyness and superficiality of the West Coast. Hey, I was finally out of Miami! I don't need to enter that world again. I know, I know. Not everyone is like that over there. Still, it's definitely a different vibe than the East Coast vibe and I really like the one I'm feeling right now.

Anyhow, this is all pure speculation so I should just enjoy what I have right in this moment, right? Let's just see where this "Winding Road" takes me...

Silver Bells, Silver Bells

It's Christmas time in the city...

I admit, I was skeptical about whether the Christmas season could get me out of my funk but it did. Really it's specifically the city during Christmas. New York City is always magical but it is exceptional during this time. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it's a walking city and you can really absorb the decorations and lights at a slow pace instead of watching them as you zoom by in your car at 50 miles per hour.

This past weekend we had some friends in town and it was their first visit to NYC. We became tour guides and decided to get as much stuff in as possible. It sounds like a pain in the ass but it turned out to be an amazing weekend. Between Rockefeller Center and the tree, Soho shopping in winter coats, dinner in the Upper West Side as the first season's flurries came down outside, the renewed awe of Times Square at night, and ice skating and hot cocoa in Bryant Park, I could not have been happier about living here.

This year has been full of obstacles and transitions. The bf was laid off again due to office closings so we're back to being as tight as we were back in March. Making new friends is still difficult since I'm working from home. And being away from family is more heartwrenching than I ever expected. But still, we seem to be getting by inch by inch. As I took in the holiday cheer through the cotton-like snow in the air I knew that things could only get better here.

I mean, it's New York and it's Christmas. How can you not feel hopeful?

Negative Nelly, I know...

Wow. It's been 7 months since my last post. I'm clearly not good at this blogging thing. I also think that I'd be boring the daylights out of you if you had to read about my boring life every week.

Things have changed. A little. I'm currently working from home teaching Korean professionals English. It's convenient but also very socially isolating. I never see or meet anyone new. Living in New York, for this introvert, has been very different than what I expected. I never realized how much I depend on others to make plans for me and to make my life exciting. Looking back, it's always been like that. I tend to latch on to people who are the leaders in the social planning arena.

I'm also realizing how picky I am about who I really want to spend my time with. Spending time with people who I don't have A LOT in common with ends up annoying me and making me feel like I'd much rather be home alone. I miss my friends.

Am I that Miami cliche after all? Am I the kind of person who really never wants to leave the comforts and safety of the bubble? It's turning out that way.

Pizza and a Cookie, Please.

Lately I've come to appreciate the little things in life. Maybe that's because they make my otherwise boring day a little bit better. First off, there's the two dollar slice of real New York style pizza I can get at George's across the street. Buttery cheese and a delicious doughy crust. George is usually there kneading the dough for one of his pies and greeting you in that rough but friendly New York style. Awesome. I'm glad to be a part of the neighborhood pizza clique.

Another goodie can be found a few storefronts down at Smile Deli, one of the many small overpriced grocery marts on the block. That would be my black and white cookie. If you didn't already know, B&W cookies are a New York staple as well. Not really a cookie, the B&W is more like a spongey cake in the shape of a large cookie with a fondant style icing on top that's half vanilla, half chocolate. I first discovered these at the Alton Road Starbucks on South Beach and now I can say that this New Yorker is enjoying her cookie in its home territory.

The way I see it, if I can get by with a cookie for lunch and a slice for dinner I could even wind up losing some weight on my newfound neighborhood diet.

Unemployed and Not Having Fun

So, the move has been made. Since my last post, my boyfriend and I have picked up and moved to the Big Apple. This last year has involved more moves for me than ever before. I feel a little disoriented, I have to admit.

I'm looking for work and the economy is not on my side. Also against me is the fact that I'm trying, still, to decide what I want to be when I grow up. At the tender age of 32 I'm figuring out that I may need to go back to school and pursue a Masters degree in Speech and Language Pathology.

Making the choice just a bit more difficult is the fact that I have law school loans and would have to take out additional loans in order to earn this Masters degree. Oh, and did I forget to mention that I have to take pre-requisite courses (not eligible for financial aid) before applying to the program?

My rational mind tells me this plan of mine isn't financially feasible and would just end up taking up more time that I could be using to earn money and establish a stable life for myself. My risk taking heart tells me that this is a perfect opportunity to finally do something that matters to me and that may provide that long sought after stability. Which one will win?

I'm Really Trying...

...to like this place. Really. I've tried to make friends with everyone my boyfriend knows and I'm doing well there. I've also tried, and accomplished, making friends outside of his circle. So what's the problem, then? Well, no one is like my silly, insane, crazy friends from back home. Everyone is awesome, don't get me wrong, but they're missing the "chisp."

Chisp: (n. adj.) 1. to have chispa, a Spanish word meaning spark.
2. used to describe a person with a very energetic, sarcastic, fun-loving,
prankster, and general "ready for anything/throw caution to the wind"
personality.

There you have it. And here I don't have it. There's only so much chisp I can throw around and have hit a cement wall, before I feel a bit down in the dumps. Oh well, I have to keep trudging along and waiting for some people who don't mind getting together for a louder than usual happy hour which may or may not turn into a dance party attended by only the members of said happy hour group and which consists of dancing to whatever music might be playing (even if it's soft rock).

Now that would take some chisp.

This Isn't Winter, Yet?

Haaaaallo! A few things. It's starting to get cold and I've been informed that this is not Winter but, rather, Fall. Autumn, a transition period between Summer and Winter. Now, I don't mind the cold as much as some of my Floridian friends so I've been jolly about the whole matter. I'm now wearing scarves and coats and gloves. The whole look is so much more put together and I'm having a lot of fun with it. The problem is that I've convinced myself that this 30ish degree (only in the mornings) weather is as cold as it's going to get. I think I'm lying to myself. It apparently snows here. I know, can you believe it?!? And not a few flurries, either. Loads of it that stays on the ground for more than a few hours. I'm excited about the snow but worried about the frigid temperatures day in and day out. Oh well. I'm ready for it so bring it on.

In other news, I chopped off 10 inches of my hair and gave it to Locks of Love. I have a love/hate relationship with the new hairdo. At times I think it's very sassy and fun and at other times I think I look like a boy and/or a 12 year old. I sometimes miss the allure and femininity that comes with the long blonde hair. Hmmm, maybe I'll just grow it out again. I am happy that I was able to donate it to a good cause so that's that.

Moving along. I just had my 32nd birthday a week back and I'm under the strange impression that I'm getting old. I wonder where that's coming from? I still act young and lively but it seems like my bedtime is inching backwards ever so slowly. If I don't get my drink on early, say I have a long dinner with friends first, I cannot be expected to want to go to a bar afterwards or to even stay awake much, for that matter. The solution is clear to me. Just skip the boring dinner if I want to continue the night in a festive manner. I grow older and new rules are required. Umph.

In relation to getting older I'm also noticing that I'm not looking as photogenic as I'm used to, which isn't saying a lot since it's common knowledge among my friends that I definitely look better in person than in my pictures. That being said, what do I do now? Now people might take one look at a picture of me and think the worst. Maybe I'll find a way to track those people down and show up on their doorsteps, "hi, this is what I look like. Just in case you were wondering." Not doable and I guess it really isn't so important. I'll have to just explain the turning point to my grandchildren down the road.

So, St. Louis is still not giving me any crazy fun girls to hang out with but I did find a cool spot to go to, London Calling at Upstairs Lounge. The crowd's a little young but the music and the concept is absolutely great. Think British indie rock, synth pop, new wave-inspired tunes that are coming out now and have been for most of the '00s. Eclectic, hipster crowd. And, yes, DANCING! I'll post a link here in case you want to stop by when you're in "the lou."

http://londoncalling.us/

Well it's been quite some time since my last posted item and things have changed for the best. I'm now living in St. Louis with my beau and happy as can be. Now, I do miss my girls and my family a lot. That hollow feeling creeps up about once every 2 weeks and I just have to make sure I plan some trips to Miami.

Life here is simpler and calmer. That can be a good thing and a bad thing, though. Sometimes I wonder when I'm going to find some crazy fun girls around here so I can let loose. Other times I'm okay with how calm my life is and I wonder if I'm not just growing up (gasp!). Nah, it's just that I'm not used to the low passion levels of the midwesterners. Do they have any strong feelings about anything? Once I'm back with the Cubans in Miami, the wildness should seep right back into my bones.

In other news, I have a few trips lined up. I always need to have some sort of travel on the horizon or else I feel stuck. So, I have a trip to Kauai, HI coming up in two weeks with the beau and also a return trip to Miami for Christmas. After that, a ski trip (my first!) to Lake Tahoe, NV in late February.

Now all I have to do is start buying amazing boots for winter and figuring out the whole layering and boot wearing techniques. I'll keep you all posted and, Aloha!

My Midwest Adventure

I am back, and I am happy. Not what you think, guys. I'm not really happy to be back but rather to have even gone in the first place. All my fears are quelled (well, not all) and I'm so happy with the way things turned out!

At first, I admit, I wasn't sure if the spark was there. I mean, it had been almost a month since I had first seen him and talking on the phone and emailing doesn't exactly cut it when it comes to first getting to know someone, at least not the chemistry aspect of it all. But, soon, it came back in full force.

The midwest was COLD! This tropical bird was out of her element for the first night. I'm talking 9 degrees here. I suffered but it was worth it. The next few nights were in the 20s and 30s which I can definitely handle and I actually look forward to.

What can I say? He's so put together, unlike some other boys I've tried things out with. He's almost so put together that it makes me wonder if he'll figure out how messy and out of sorts I can sometimes be and run away in a state of complete horror. His life seems to be in order and really stable. What girl can resist stability? Let's get back.

The town was great. It reminded me of my old college town with its charming local joints and altogether friendly nature. I long for that peace sometimes and then I wonder if my own adventurous, restless nature will long to break out of the calm and I'll become dissatisfied. Okay, this is a topic for another blog post.

His friends were right up my alley, too. Very open and friendly people with great personalities. I just had the most amazing time. I've made plans to visit again next month and he'll be heading south in March, hopefully.

What does this all mean? I don't know. What will come of this and is this one of my naive endeavors? Am I dreaming and hoping for the impossible here? Am I making more of this because I am so attracted to adventure and the unknown, so attracted to change? I can't answer these questions right now so I guess I'll keep rolling with this and see where it goes. The fun loving fool in me is telling me to go for it and you know I ALWAYS listen.

Flying Off Into The Sunset...Or Disaster

So in my usual foolish and devoid-of-any-logic ways, I'm flying to the midwest to see a boy. That doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well, it's a boy I met this past New Year's Eve (yes, only 22 days ago) who was visiting town.

He's only 2 years younger than I am (cradle robbing is one of my specialties) so that's not bad at all. Now, we did meet in a drunken stupor but he was interested enough to ask me out, in my own town, for the following day. After dinner and some ice cream we vowed to keep in touch and see each other again. Yeah right!

Well here we are 22 days later, many emails, text messages, and phone conversations later, and I'm leaving in 2 days. (I just noticed a lot of 2s in this post. Anyone with expert knowledge in the science of numbers and all that numerology stuff that is suddenly aware of a disastrous pattern here PLEASE LET ME KNOW) Getting back, this whole trip could be amazing fun or a disaster waiting to happen.

I mean, I have 3 nights and about 2 days and a half in a completely new place with kind of a completely new boy. He seems really nice but let's hope those end of the year sparks are still ready for ignition. If they're not I'll be a tropical bird in a frigid climate for a weekend. That does NOT sound like fun.

Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted...